Intentions and Aspirations... Where I'm Coming From and Where I'm Going
My Journey Up Until Now
People nowadays, at work and other places, see that I am a healthy and relatively at-peace, joyful and warm and friendly person. I seem happy, and my peace and happiness and joy and warmth spreads to all whom I come across. I beam smiles at everyone and the smiles are returned. I make jokes and make people laugh, and people do the same. I don't take things too seriously... I laugh a lot. I talk to people confidently and can get real with people. Talk to them about real things. I seem like I enjoy my days and overall enjoy my life. My smile is warm and authentic and real.
If peace, confidence, happiness, and personal power are present now... this was NOT always the case. Far from it. There was a time in my life, not too long ago, where these were the furthest things away from describing the reality of my experience. I now feel like I am on the "other side" of the place I was at a couple years ago... I am now on the sunny side of the mountain, and out of the dark, cold and gloomy/hellish reality that I experienced a couple of years ago.
From about somewhere in my late high school years (about the time of my senior year) until about 2012... my experience of life was not a good one. Life was not joyful. The world did not seem like a safe place. My heart was not at peace. As this phase progressed and proceeded towards its lowest point, somewhere around '09-'10-'11... daily life felt almost unbearable. I could not even go to the grocery store without anxiety and fear gripping me intensely. When we went on vacation to see family I was literally crying and going crazy due to the anxiety I was feeling about simply being around other people. Anxious and fearful thoughts about being around other people was a constant in my life. I was depressed. I didn't do much activity physically, just spent most of my days on the computer, reading, or smoking weed and playing video games or surfing the web. Loneliness was a frequent companion... and I generally felt lost in life. When I smiled, they were forced smiles... my heart was not truly happy and smiling. The best I could do was act like I was OK... but people could really see the truth if they looked closely, and I knew it. I didn't want those close to me, like my family, seeing the state I was in. I was in a dark place and I wanted to be there all alone. I didn't want to "infect" anyone else with my unhappiness and my misery. So I isolated myself.
Overall, I was just in a dark place. Negative emotions, pain and fear were experienced every day. Life felt hard... even the little things. Going to grocery store triggered so much emotional baggage and unconscious fear and anxiety, and I felt like I was forever under the grips of these internal demons. The days were cloudy and grey. To make matters worse, those around me and those who loved and cared about me most could not truly understand it, for it was all happening within me. No one could really help me.
But I had decided that I was tired of this... being in this darkness - this fear, this pain, this suffering, this internal hell-on-earth that I was experiencing. I was sick of it... and I realized that I HAD to find my way out. I realized that there were other people in this world that truly DID live in the sunshine... people who were completely free of fear and suffering, who lived their lives experiencing deep peace, joy, creativity, freedom, and love/laugher on a daily basis. I could SEE them... people on the "other side". I KNEW they existed. I KNEW that that freedom and liberation and nirvana was possible.
SO I made up my mind. I RESOLVED. I vowed to myself that I would not go through the rest of my life and die with the internal suffering, pain, baggage, and intense/crippling anxiety that I experienced still plaguing me my entire life. I vowed that I needed to get past this dark place and fully experience the LIGHT of peace and freedom from these dark clouds of suffering.
I wanted to change. I needed to. No... more than that.... I needed to TRANSFORM. To go from the person I WAS to the person I could POTENTIALLY BE. To go from the small, limited, scared, timid, wounded, afraid Chris to the fearless, boundless, humble, universally compassionate, confident, badass Chris I could become. I KNEW that what I was doing in life up to now was not working... I was NOT fulfilling the ultimate "aim" of life... to be truly happy and peace. I couldn't take another day of the struggling and suffering. I HAD to change. And I vowed I would do whatever was necessary.
And so I did.
I sought the wisdom and knowledge and expertise from experts and masters from all over the world. I bought and read books - dozens and dozens of them. I read thousands of internet articles. Watched hundreds of youtube videos. ALL with the aim of providing myself with the knowledge, wisdom, and inspiration that I needed in order to complete and achieve my transformation... my liberation. I wanted this freedom and liberation so badly that I completely quit and left behind an honors college and scholarships in order to embark on this inward quest for liberation, freedom and inner peace 100% of the time, full-time.
Many maintained I was a fool for doing so... claiming that all college kids are able to go through this process while at the same time going to school. But I know for a FACT that if I was spending hours and hours a day walking to and from classes, studying and studying for all of my classes (which I did not truly care about), going out with friends and partying... I KNOW that if I was doing that with my time while being enrolled to a university and collecting student loans.... I would not have had NEARLY the amount of free time I did in this "cocoon" period in which I could INTENSELY and intuitively search for the true remedies and solutions to my inner turmoil, angsts, pain and suffering that I experienced daily.
From dusk until dawn I focused all of my energies on "Healing" myself and "freeing myself" of all the mental/emotional baggage that held me down and kept me back. I learned to truly observe myself and my own mind. Through my own research and practice, I learned SO much from so many different modalities and techniques and wisdom through my studies and my spiritual practice. I discovered and learned about SO many different self-healing modalities. I tried and practiced many of the principles.
Slowly but surely I started to change. I slowly and slowly began transmuting my weak, unhealthy, imbalanced, misaligned spine/ body into a strong, comfortable, healthy, balanced and aligned spine/body. I realized that the positive changes only continued, and began to accelerate as well. So I stuck with these modalities and worked with them over and over and over.
Yoga. QiGong. Pilates. Breathwork. Meditation. Movement/Exercise.
2 years later... I am a completely different person than I was before. My facial expression and posture and energy in my ~2009-2011 pic compared to my 2013 pic is astonishing. On one hand you see someone who is partially dead inside, not deeply happy and who doesn't live that amazing of a life... 2 years later and you see a glowing face smiling wide and beaming confidently with GREAT, connected and relaxed yet upright posture... a face that beams pure warmth, absence of fear/negativity.
2 years later... people respond to me entirely different when I meet them or walk up to them, or even walk past them. I light people up with my presence as opposed to cast a shadow. I am, for the most part, FREE. FREE of the darkness and the demons and the clouds that held me back and obscured my true natural radiance, energy, and peace. I feel like I have finally made it to the promised land I so desperately longed for and so adamantly searched for for so long... heaven on Earth. I seek no longer... I have found. I can rest and be still. My daily experience of internal hell has transformed into one of internal heaven.. where my days are filled my good feelings, love, wisdom, continual growth/learning, and peace.
Now that I have gotten here... I have discovered a deep purpose for my life as well: to be a conduit, a guiding light showing the possibility of transformation and liberation that is possible... and helping others to achieve that metamorphosis through the self-healing modalities that I have experienced and employed myself. Yoga, movement, breathwork, mindfulness, meditation, presence, relaxation, nature solitude, spiritual contemplation.... these are the tools I want to use to help people make that leap and transformation in their very way of being and experiencing life. It is not easy... but if the person is ready to face life head on and change for the best... for the greater good of not only themselves but all other people as well... then I want to be there as a guide and a helper.
Where I am Headed
Now I am going to live the life of my dreams. I have chosen not to settle for teaching myself "marketable" skills and doing things that do not come naturally to me. I have chosen to compromise as little as possible. I have realized that the true aim of life is to be happy... not forever working towards a future happiness... but to be happy NOW... on a day to day basis.
According to this definition of "success" and fulfillment... I am successful. I have already made it. I am happy. I want my life to be one of freedom and happiness. I want to LIVE the life I want to, the life that I dream of... the life where I travel and see the world and all the majestic beauty contained within it. The beautiful people. The beautiful places... with vibes so chill and real. A life where my "work" is a natural extension of my heart and my purpose... helping people go from the dark places to a place of light and happiness and freedom and inner peace, utilizing the experience, knowledge and wisdom I have gained through my own studies and my own experience. Through the healing arts and the experience of self-realization. Helping people actualize and embody their highest potential through the transformational process of inner work and enlightenment. The highest potential that is happy, inwardly free and harmonious... and that gives and serves the world from this happy and harmonious state of being.
"Holistic Personal Training".... Mind, body, breath and energy work. I can help people with my knowledge and experience TODAY.
My Father for instance... if he was truly open to it, I could help him IMMENSELY with my knowledge. Help him:
- Cleanse his body
- Revitalize his worn-down mind and body through relaxation techniques, breathwork, and yogic energetically-opening and aligning poses
- Help him face and release deeply ingrained subconscious emotional traumas/baggage.... release the hurt and anger towards his dad and even his mom... help him face and move through the grips of his past and his demons/dragons... his pain body.
- Help him experience life in renewed, reinvigorated and clarified way.
- Help him finally quit cigarettes.
- Put himself on track to adding years to his life yearly instead of taking them away through his stress and bad habits.
I just KNOW that I have so much to offer people ALREADY... I will just continue to expand my skills and knowledge and credentials in this field until I can REALLY feel confident helping all sorts of people heal themselves, overcome their darkness/personal hell and enter into the liberated world of true peace, fulfillment, contentment, joy and freedom. Help facilitate self-transformation and healing.
I will Express myself artistically and share my experiences and my journey and my visions and my perspectives on reality.
I will travel and see the world.
I WILL live the life of my dreams... continue to be free, happy and at peace....
and help spread that happiness and peace and harmony all around the world...
hopefully making the world a better place than it was when I came here.
:)
Peace
